It is CHIC week! In recognition of the important role CHIC plays in the spiritual development of so many Covenant young adults, we are reposting Benj Sullivan-Knoff’s story of how CHIC influenced him in clarifying his sexual identity. You can read earlier posts written by his mom and dad which tell the story from their perspective.

Paradox: What happens when an unstoppable force meets an immovable object?

I grew up in the church: baptized at birth; confirmed in eighth grade; sang in the children’s and youth choirs; attended Sunday school before services, services, youth group on Wednesday nights, and every weekend or summer retreat I could. My dedication might have initially been bred of obligation, but it matured into genuine devotion. So when an attraction to men emerged, I turned to the God I loved, praying frequently, asking Him to dissipate my inclinations, or at least to allow me to be one way or the other, not trapped in eternal uncertainty. Doubt is a terrible weight; it pressed into my thoughts constantly, unsettling the identity I had prided myself in.

The week of July 11th, 2009, I went with my church youth group to the University of Tennessee in Knoxville for Covenant High in Christ (CHIC), an Evangelical Covenant youth conference that brought together thousands of teenagers from across the country. My expectations for the trip were low; my relationship with God was stable enough, and I did not anticipate hiding my newfound sexuality for an entire week. Over the preceding six months, I had quietly started to come out to twenty of my closest friends and family, none of whom were on the trip with me.

My parents had instilled a strong sense of faith in me—my mom is a pastor and my dad used to be. They were among those that knew. While my dad handled the news with grace, my mom, though loving and supportive, did not allow me to publicly come out. The church where she worked was not a liberal one, she told me. She could lose her position if the congregation knew she had a gay son. It had occurred to me that I would encounter ignorance, but my own mother perpetuated the very attitude I dreaded. I wanted to continue sharing who I had become, but I could not. After years of struggling for answers God had finally granted me clarity. I had to bury it as if I were ashamed.

I went to CHIC feeling increasingly conflicted. The combination of concealing my true identity to protect my mom and yearning to be true to myself tortured me. The tension reached its climax that Wednesday night, when the speaker delivered a piercing sermon. She spoke of pretending, and of the dangers in wearing a façade, all to hide your iniquities. Her message resonated in me, but in an unintended way. It seemed as though I were perpetually lying to everyone who did not already know. In that, my sexuality adopted its own iniquity and it disgusted me.

I left the University of Tennessee’s Thompson-Boling Arena that night more immobilized than ever. Remembering a text message I had received and ignored during the worship service, I pulled out my phone and read the following message from my mom: “Benj, I had spiritual direction today. I am not worried about my job anymore, only you. I honor you.” In that instant, God vanquished the entirety of what I endured on the night I needed resolution the most, and I was assured of His love.

Homosexuality is not a sin. Humans are sinful, yes, but God would not make anyone unalterably so. Is not the purpose to confront temptation and reject it wholeheartedly? If homosexuality is an inherent part of my nature, and I am unable to alter (or therefore reject) it, then it cannot be sinful.

Religion and homosexuality need not demand two dissimilar worlds. Many LGBT people are deterred from Christianity (and other religions) because they are taught that they can only choose their love for their Creator or for their same-sex loves, and that they are unworthy of God’s love. But God loves all of His children, regardless of whom they love.

I am living, tangible proof that a Christian can live without gay guilt. I want to share my experience with others struggling with this issue, or those who maintain this ignorance, to heal these unnecessary wounds.

In my journal entry for that day, I concluded with, “Praise the Lord our God who works in mysterious ways!”

Amen.

Dear President Walter,

As I’ve watched the unfolding developments in the Covenant Church’s struggle with the topic of LGBTQ inclusion, I have felt at various times anger, frustration, disappointment, hurt, and deep sadness. I grieve for our church not only as a gay man who cannot fully thrive under our current position, but also as a lifelong Covenanter who laments that the process we have followed in this conversation has strayed from the wisdom of our heritage and brought us to a place of such deep divide. I am writing this letter publicly, but welcome your private response and will hold our correspondence in confidence. I want to speak to you candidly, from one Covenanter to another, and there are a few things that I want you to know.

The first thing I want you to know is that I have been hurt by your words and your leadership. I have read and watched your remarks on this topic over the past year, and I want you to know how some of your words sound to the ears of one who is actually gay: they hurt.

When you describe my sexual orientation merely as an “attraction” that I must “navigate,” that hurts. It undermines the legitimacy of the love LGBTQ people feel for their partners. It reduces our relationships to an attraction and denies them any credible depth and meaning. And it suggests that our orientation is a burden rather than a gift. In short, it makes me feel that you haven’t taken the time to fully understand me or my life.

When you list my orientation at the end of a list of alleged sexual sins, right after adultery and pornography, that hurts. It is dehumanizing. It takes part of my identity and smacks a negative label on it. And when this is the context for your first mention of the existence of non-heterosexual individuals, it makes it difficult for me to receive anything that follows with a spirit of love and good intent.

When you cloak our denomination’s position on same-sex marriage under a broad discussion of “the issue of human sexuality” and say that our position is “a high challenge to all of us”, that actually hurts, too. It feels a little like saying “All Lives Matter” at a racial justice rally: Yes, it’s technically true, but it misses the point of naming the unequal burden placed on a particular minority group.

When my life is reduced to an “issue”, thus making me negatively one-dimensional, that hurts. Why must LGBTQ individuals always be spoken of in such contentious terms? Even within our stated position, can we not affirm that God has equipped LGBTQ individuals with significant gifts for ministry and that we have much to offer the church? We are not an issue, we are the Body of Christ.

In every correspondence that has come from your office in the past year, I’ve been lead to believe that LGBTQ individuals played little to no role in your discernment process. This hurts. It feels as if our stories and our voices are not important. It feels as if you are talking about us without a willingness to talk with us. It feels as if we are some sort of pariah or outcast you are afraid to come into contact with, a headache that you wish would go away.

I have been hurt by words you have spoken, and I have also been hurt by that which you have left unspoken. Over the years I’ve heard many unkind, even hateful, things said about LGBTQ people. While I have pretty thick skin, our youth and others across our church who struggle to accept their orientation or gender identity are extremely vulnerable. In an age where hate crimes and suicide and depression are significantly higher within the LGBTQ population, we need to be able to call homophobia what it is: sin. And the church should be leading the way in the opposition of hatred and violence in all of its forms. One of the ways the church is uniquely equipped to combat hatred is with our core message that ALL people are created in God’s image. Which is why our church’s silence in condemning homophobia hurts so much. If we aren’t part of the solution, we are part of the problem. Homophobia is sin, and our church is complicit.

Although your words and actions have been hurtful to me, the second thing I want you to know is that I forgive you. I know you are an honest and good man of deep and sincere faith. I don’t doubt that you have studied scripture carefully and have sought God’s guidance through these matters. I believe you have reached your position honestly, and that your intentions to love others are heartfelt. We may disagree, yet I trust that you are coming from a place of love. And even though our ideas of love differ, and that difference has caused much pain in my life, I forgive you.

The years I spent in the closet were dark years. I lived in fear of the judgment I would receive from the church. When I came out of the closet, I was surprised by the magnitude of the love and acceptance I received. The freedom I experienced allowed me to let go of my fear. I found a new sense of security, rooted in the knowledge that I am created and loved by God, gay and all. And that is part of the reason I am able to forgive you: I am able to forgive because of the affirmation I received from many in the wings of our church that spoke a love one cannot find within our current guidelines. Their ministry brought a healing grace into my life, and now it brings a threat to their ministerial standing. So I want you to know that I forgive you in spite of the church’s position, not because of it.

In a spirit of reconciliation, the third thing I want you to know is that I am committed to being your companion in this long and difficult journey. One of the most troubling aspects of the recently released guidelines for clergy and the accompanying resource on dissent was the suggestion that clergy who find themselves in ongoing dissent with the church have only two principled options: to yield to the church’s position, or to conclude their service with the church. Two options: yield, or leave. This sort of fork-in-the-road approach seems antithetical to the Gospel of Jesus, one who was consistently finding a “third way.” And it feels contrary to the Covenant I have known and loved, a church which has prided itself in finding a “via media” – a “middle way” – when faced with hard questions.

I believe that the Covenant Church is uniquely positioned in these contentious times. We can show there is a difference between hard and harsh conversations. Hard conversations are part of discipleship. They can lead to greater fidelity in our walk with God and in service. Hard conversations are entered to build up and make better. Harsh conversations are entered to win and destroy. They breed greater recalcitrance and polarization. One of our six affirmations is “the reality of freedom in Christ.” This means we focus on the evident biblical center of what unites us in Christ, not on peripheral matters not clear in Scripture. Within the boundaries of all of our other affirmations, we extend “space” to each other. The Covenant is not a self-contained echo chamber that only reinforces to each other a single voice or perspective. At our best, we speak into one another, not past each other. We want to live respectfully in the polishing cross-currents gained by wrestling with matters together biblically and with hope.

This is the Covenant Church at its best. It’s the Covenant I grew up with and served throughout much of my life. It’s the kind of Covenant Church I still believe in. And I hope that you still do, too, because I didn’t write that last paragraph – you did, in 2010. Your words tell me that in order for our church to navigate these troubled waters and find that middle way, we are going to need each other. And that is why I want you to know I am willing to have this hard conversation with you. I suspect many of my LGBTQ Covenant friends would similarly be willing to meet with you, if you would be willing to hear our stories. Will you have this hard conversation with us?

The final thing I want you to know is that I will pray for you and all who serve in Covenant leadership. I pray for your health and strength, and for wisdom and discernment to respond to the vast demands placed on you. I thank God for your commitment and dedication to this church and her mission. And I join you in praying for our dear church, that even in great tumult we may join together in common mission, for the sake of the gospel in the world, and for the flourishing of all God’s children.

Your faithful companion on the middle way,
Andrew Freeman

Cc:
Mark Novak, Executive Minister, Develop Leaders
Dick Lucco, Executive Director of Ministry Development
Andy Sebanc, Chair, Board of the Ordered Ministry
Will Davidson, Chair, Executive Board of the ECC 
Council of Superintendents
David Kersten, Dean, North Park Theological Seminary

Author’s note: Through much of last winter, my mother Bev regularly spoke of how she wished she could have an opportunity to speak with President Gary Walter. “I just want 10 minutes of his time,” she’d often say. She died from cancer on April 17^th, far too soon, and before she had the opportunity to have that conversation with Gary. My mother devoted much of her life to serving the Covenant Church, and she was heartbroken by the pain and division she saw being caused by our inability to have this hard conversation. My mother loved everyone with a fearless love. She wasn’t afraid of hard conversations, and in fact knew how to ask the hard questions that brought people together and challenged them to examine themselves and then look beyond the current challenge to see the bigger picture. She was an exceptional leader, she was a “churchwoman” par excellence, she was a true Christian. More than anyone in my life, she was the prime example of what it means to be “a companion of all who fear the Lord.” I miss her and her voice every day, and humbly try to follow her example wherever I can. And so it is in that spirit, and in her memory, that I have written this letter.

(Below is a statement that Rev. Paul Corner made at the Covenant Annual Meeting which just concluded in Kansas City. Coming Out Covenant applauds Paul’s stand. We believe that though his vote may be 1, that he speaks for hundreds and even thousands of Covenant members, friends and former members. God bless you Paul for your courage! Paul published this online and we do so here at COC with his permission. If Paul’s words inspire you please share this with others. If you are interested in learning more please see a list of books at the end of the post which could be of help.)

This has been a momentous couple of days with the Supreme Court ruling that marriage equality is constitutional. For me personally, there are mixed emotions. I’m overjoyed for what this ruling means for family members and dear friends. Love truly wins. My heart is also heavy as I consider the fact that there is more work to be done in the church. In the past year, two of my dearest friends and their churches are no longer part of the same denomination as me because they and their churches embraced the full inclusion of LGBT people in all levels of membership and leadership in their church. This led to the severing of their relationships with our denominational home. The injustice of it is simple, but the political and theological nuance is not. In our tradition, we seek to be non-creedal meaning we seek to maintain relationship with one another despite disagreement on matters not central to the Christian faith. In these instances, we failed to live with that Spirit. So, today at our denominational annual meeting, I will be voting ‘no’ on our denomination’s budget as a symbolic act of lament over loss, in solidarity with those who suffer, and with the hope that God can redeem us and continue to bind us together as ‘companions of ALL who fear thee.’ Below is the statement I made.

I stand today to voice my opposition to the budget that has been presented. However, it is not because of what is in it. I am proud of the rich heritage of our church, and the good work we continue to do in Christ’s name. I’m honored by our commitment to being students of the Word of God as well as, in the Spirit of freedom in Christ, the relational emphasis to how we do theology together. I’m humbled by our strong commitment to the whole mission of the church, and I am proud of a tradition that works hard on important moral questions like racial diversity, gender equality, immigration, and holistic development. I am glad to continue to support these things and more that are represented in this budget, and I commend those who have put in the work to steward well the resources God has entrusted to us.

Today, my opposition is not because of what is in it, but rather because of what is excluded from it. I’m speaking specifically about the funding for a new church plant, Christ Church: Portland, who is no longer supported by this denominational family. Pastor Adam Phillips of Christ Church had the funding for his church pulled because he intended to plant a congregation that fully welcomed lesbian, gay, bisexual, and transgender people into its membership and leadership. Similarly, I am also speaking about St. Johns Covenant Church in Portland and their Pastor Andy Goebel, a three year old church plant who was told they wouldn’t likely be approved as a member congregation in the Pacific Northwest Conference and the ECC because of their commitment to full inclusion at all levels of participation, membership, and leadership. I’m troubled by these actions for several reasons.

First, I am troubled by these as acts of injustice. If budgets are theological documents, I cannot stand behind a budget that has made the choice to exclude people and churches from our worshipping community. I believe the Gospel calls on us to err on the side of grace and mercy. I do not understand why congregations cannot be planted in the Covenant family with the same spirit that many others of our churches exist — namely, a commitment to welcome all without theological consensus on a matter that is not central to our faith. Indeed, this spirit of welcome is one that has been embraced by many Covenant churches. By laying aside these two congregations, it causes congregations like my own, who embrace this spirit, to question how we are to continue supporting this denomination of which we have been a part for over 125 years.

Second, I’m opposed to this action because it cheapens the call for all of us who serve as credentialed ministers of the Gospel in the Covenant. One of the great strengths of our ministerium is that we are dedicated students of the Word. Within that dedication, we make room for conversation, debate, and relationship trusting in the Spirit to hold us together in the midst of it. Hence our rules which allow for dissent but have expectations for pastoral practice. I believe that healthy debate and even disagreement amongst colleagues, in the end, serves to make us all stronger. However, when we silence one part of the conversation as happened in these cases, we cheapen our call to the point that the stoles gifted to us by the people in our ordination — the symbol of our commitment to Christ and the Church — are cheapened to something not unlike a sweat rag around the neck of laborers in an ecclesial sweatshop.

Finally, I am opposed to this budget action because it does not fit within our historical ethos of companions of ALL who fear thee. We have been a church that is able to hold in tension non-creedal theological convictions for the sake of unity. We have been a church that has erred on the side of grace and mercy. And, we have been a church that allows space for congregations to consider how ministry is shaped and practiced in their context. We have allowed these values to shape how we have lived together as a beautifully diverse body with diverse convictions and a spirit of grace around important matters like baptism, women in ministry, divorce, and more. We have done this with the conviction that despite what may divide us, God calls us together and makes us strong in one common mission. I believe this Spirit can prevail again as we consider the LGBT people in our churches and our communities. Pastor Adam and Pastor Andy are not alone amongst our clergy in their convictions on LGBT inclusion and affirmation, and they broke none of the rules of the ordered ministry. Not only that, their congregations did not embrace a posture towards LGBT inclusion that is any different than many other congregations in our Covenant who are seeking faithfully to do ministry in their communities. Actions like these taken against Christ Church and St. John’s cheapen our whole movement and make us companions of only some who fear thee — a kind of disembodied fundamentalism that does not embrace the Spirit of who we have been or the Spirit of relationship in, by, and with Christ that is at the heart of who we are.

So, today I will cast a no vote on this budget, again, not because of what it does contain, but because of what it does not contain. It is a vote cast lamenting the loss of congregations, colleagues, friends, and parishioners who no longer feel safe in our Covenant. It is a vote cast in solidarity with the many LGBT Covenanters who wonder if their church will make room for them at the table. Yet, it is a hopeful vote that trusts in the Spirit of God to bind us together and grant strength to our leaders to lead with boldness, creativity, and grace trusting that though the road is difficult, God is at work in our church and will continue to lead us forward as friends in mission.

(Paul had an earlier post on COC which you can read here.)

Tony Campolo, well known evangelical writer and speaker released a statement on June 8, 2015 calling for “the full acceptance of Christian gay couples into the Church.” Campolo, states that his change of heart came through “countless hours of prayer, study, conversation and emotional turmoil to bring me to the place where I am finally ready to call for the full acceptance of Christian gay couples into the Church.”

He summarizes, ” As a social scientist, I have concluded that sexual orientation is almost never a choice and I have seen how damaging it can be to try to “cure” someone from being gay. As a Christian, my responsibility is not to condemn or reject gay people, but rather to love and embrace them, and to endeavor to draw them into the fellowship of the Church.”

The full statement can be read on Campolo’s  blog.

Coming Out Covenant applauds Dr. Campolo for his courage and forthrightness and invites other like minded Church Leaders to let it be known when God works in their minds and hearts in similar fashion. While it is the stated purpose of this blog to provide a safe place for LGBT Covenanters and others to tell their stories of “coming out” it is also important for straight Christians to tell their stories of how God has changed their minds and hearts on this issue.

If you would like to read stories of how God worked in people’s hearts and minds you might want to consider reading;

David Gushee’s Book Changing Our Mind

Does Jesus Really Love Me?:A Gay Christian’s Pilgrimage in Search of God by Jeff Chu

God and the Gay Christian by Matthew Vines.

(COC’s foremost purpose is to provide a place for Covenanters to tell their story of “Coming Out.” We welcome submissions. We thank the author, who chooses to remain anonymous,  for sharing their story.)

I recently read that for its first two hundred years Shakespeare’s King Lear floundered.  From 1642 until 1660 the Puritan revolution had closed theatres across England.  Nahum Tate, the son of a Puritan clergyman, saw his role in the burgeoning British empire as his ability to improve its literature.  In 1681 he introduced a sanitized version of Lear, which dominated the stage for 150 years.  What was the reason for his re-write?  Lear’s actions were inexplicable to the minds of Puritans who detected no moral uplift as a result of the trials that he endured.  Tate resolved the problems by: changing the character’s motivations, having the actors who exhibited lesser moral fiber die in the end, and re-scripting Lear as a victim of villains.  The last scene resolves the play in merriment with actors, Enjoy[ing] the present Hour, nor fear[ing] the Last.  The play ends with all of the characters jigging off the stage to Pharrell William’s lyrical tune, Happy.

~~~~~

For the past twenty-five years I’ve been a close friend with the most gifted organist to ever play in a church that I served.  Now in his seventies, he is still invited each year to perform at festivals that feature some of the oldest organs in the USA.  And there was another, a vocalist with an operatic baritone voice, with whom I have sadly lost touch.  A Native American, he specialized in 19^th century hymns.  Standing at the front of the church, with long black hair sitting on his shoulders, his singing was wonderfully moving.  Each of these men made profound impacts on the congregations I served through their participation in worship.  Both loved Christ; both knew themselves loved by Christ.  Each of them were, and are, homosexual.  And there were others: Christian educators, doctoral students, parishioners, vowed religious brothers and sisters, priests, Protestant pastors, and even Covenant clergy.

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Some of the first words in the Gospel of John are, In the beginning was the logos.  Greeks understood the word logos as indicative of a language used to develop linearly logical arguments that could then be debated.  And John uses it to indicate that his writing too will be logical, but in a different way.  John’s usage of the word logos challenges all of us to give up our ordered notions of God and to exchange it for the logic with which God makes sense of the world, which is actually pathos…the manner in which we are related to one another.  In other words, God’s logic enters our lives at a transformative gut-level…and the single greatest indicator of whether we have acquired God’s logic, is whether we truly love or not.  King Lear stands in relation to the rest of Shakespeare’s writings as the Gospel of John, or the drama of Job, stands in relation to the rest of Scripture; these are remonstrations and chastenings.

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It has been nearly 20 years since the Evangelical Covenant Church took its non-binding vote on human sexuality in 1996.  When that happened I began to caution homosexual Covenant friends, colleagues, and parishioners to start looking for a new spiritual home.  It was difficult for me to do and difficult for many to hear.  And I myself began a measured retreat from Covenant ministry a few years later until I eventually, and quietly simply stepped out of Covenant ministry altogether.  I went through a deep and horrible grieving process throughout this time.  I grieved because the love that I extended to all people equally and indiscriminately as a minister of Christ’s was silenced and seen as traitorous by the spiritual family who had convinced me when I was growing up that God is love.

I will always greatly value my Covenant roots.  I still promote everywhere and with everyone the Covenant’s motto, that I am a companion of all who fear Thee.  I wish my Covenant friends well in being this when it comes to fully understanding, and truly loving all people, including those in the LGBT community without any strings attached.  It’s certainly not an issue for my children who are now adults and who can’t quite wrap their minds around why it is so difficult for the church in which they were raised to do this?  They, too, know that they are no longer welcome in the Covenant and attend worship elsewhere.  I recently had a friend comment to me that it was a lot easier for them to love LGBT’s than to love the Christians who don’t love LGBT’s.  I wryly told them that I thought that that was a pretty profound statement and that if they chewed on that long enough they ran the risk of actually living their way into God’s reign!  It certain is much easier to fully accept LGBT’s than many Christians seem to be making it.

Peace…

On February 4th I was informed by Covenant leaders that they were terminating their partnership with me as a church planter and Christ Church: Portland as an official church plant of the Evangelical Covenant Church. The reason: my personal convictions and advocacy for the full inclusion and participation of LGBT Christians in the church at all levels of membership and leadership, receiving the same call as any other Christian would to discipleship and faith, community, fidelity in relationships.

I grew up in the Catholic Church, and discovered the Evangelical Covenant Church 29 years ago when I met a wonderful young woman who would eventually become my wife.  Amazed by the Christian love and fellowship that I had not had in my life of faith, I embraced the ECC whole-heartedly.  I joined the church and in 1986, I was married at Bethany Covenant Church in New Britain, CT.  I had dreamed of this ideal life for all of my growing up years, and the icing on the cake was that it came with the incredible bonus of a new journey of faith.  In that church which eventually relocated to Berlin, CT, I learned about what it meant to follow Jesus.  A whole world of faith and family was opened up to me! Over the years of our marriage, through many struggles, the constant that kept us afloat was that abiding love of God and the gift of a loving, caring church family that walked with us down every road. I have worshipped, laughed and cried in that place and served in numerous leadership roles including a few years as church chairman. I have been heavily involved in the music programs and the eventual evolution of contemporary worship for the church.  As our church motto states, for me Bethany Covenant Church was truly a place where “people come to life!”

After 20 years of marriage, I found myself growing increasingly unhappy.  I had everything I had wanted, and still something was wrong.  My joy was leaving and I could not get it back.  I sought counseling and spent a lot of time praying and working through childhood issues and emotional challenges but not really getting to the root of my pain. I took a break from that counseling and in my alone time and prayer time I began to realize what was so terribly wrong.  I returned to counseling and in that first meeting with a new therapist I sat down and said, “this is what I’m here for”; “I have been married for 24 years and have a great life and family but I am terribly unhappy because I have realized that I am gay!” Just saying those words aloud was both one of the most frightening moments of my life and one of the most liberating ones.  This was not in my plan for my life and yet everything within me told me that this was the missing puzzle piece. That summer while vacationing at Pilgrim Pines in New Hampshire, a Covenant Camp and Retreat Center, our pastors Adam Phillips and Aaron Johnson talked about rewriting your story through the prism of your faith; looking at your past life, mistakes, patterns and trials and prayerfully setting out on a new path.   “The rewrite happens when you realize that the program for the first act of your life does not work for the second half”, they said, and I realized that this was true of my story!  I could not keep silently fighting the battle. My story was flawed.  I spent 2 years in that therapist chair exploring this new reality.  I worked through the question “how in the world can I change my life and somehow not lose all that I relied on?”  I struggled to know “ what the “right” thing to do was for both  me and my family? “ Not only did I fear the loss of my family, I feared that I would have to give up my church and that worst of all, that Jesus would not love this new me.

With the help of a great Christian therapist, I knew what I needed to do to make sense of my life.  I made a plan to have the “coming out” conversation with my wife. In January of 2013, we sat down and I dropped the bomb. There was no explosion!  She listened intently, quietly cried and then told me that she really knew or suspected for some time and told me it was okay and gave me the most gentle and affirming hug.  What a gift.  The conversation I had dreaded for so long was behind me and I could share with the person with whom I discussed and confided everything for so long the one thing I had kept  secret from her.  Together we talked and solicited help from our counselors to prepare for the eventual separation, and to make a plan for how and when we would include our kids then 17 and 12 in the story.  In June of 2013, we told them the reality about Dad and that ultimately we would divorce.  My kids have been a marvel.  They love and support me and are ready to take on anybody who does not.  They know that the same man who loved and cared for them and taught them about the love of Jesus is still with them. It is just that life at home will look different.

I had spent many years singing with the praise team at Bethany and I continued in that role.   My wife and I kept our reality very close to the vest and inside our family for many months. At the end of the summer of 2013, I decided that out of love and respect it was time to let the church know what was happening in our home.  After all, I had shared with the people I loved the most, my wife and my kids and the world had not stopped turning, rather I received love and support.  I felt empowered to have the same conversation with my pastor and include my other love, the church, in the loop.  My conversation with the senior pastor was very kind and I was greatly relieved.  At that point, suddenly the dam began to crack and the mood changed.  The pastor met with church officers to discuss our situation, and they made the decision that I could no longer lead worship and sing with the praise team.  Church leadership asked me to step out of my role in the music ministry. The message was that this “break” was only about the dissolution of our marriage and a breach of our marriage vows not about the fact that I was gay.  At the same time leaders and church staff learned of our situation, we found that questions about our marriage and our problems were a topic of discussion both inside and outside the walls of the church. Because of this, I chose to tell my story and sent messages to people within the church that I valued and told them what was happening with us. This proved to be very painful for our family. A private matter that we had been handling with great care and gentleness was now under a spotlight.  Forced to explain my absence from the worship team, we had to endure the watchful eyes of many in the congregation. I received hateful communications from a member whom I hardly knew.  Dear friends who once lovingly engaged with me now completely turned away and ceased all communication.  A letter stating the “decision” of the church was hand-delivered to us.  It felt like our innermost concerns were now “posted” at the church for all to see. The letter referred to a period of reflection and “care” from the church, but it felt like punishment and rejection. I had heard that term “under care” used before when clergy members were involved in personal struggles, but the difference was that I am not a pastor and not even on church staff.  My only public role was singing worship songs on Sunday mornings. How could this church, where I had learned about Christian love, and  faithfully following the teachings of Jesus, now push me away? I was blindsided.

Where we are now is complicated.  I have moved out of the home and we are finalizing the legal separation that is inevitable for our family.  We are a family forever and our love and care for each other has not diminished. Initially in our pain and surprise during this period of “care”, we avoided being present at the church, but we realized that our kids loved it and wanted to be there. We wanted to support them as well as teach them about how you face adversity particularly within a family and what we do when the going gets tough.  “No running away.”  We also knew that the majority of our social connections and extended “family” were there. Being absent from there was a tremendous loss for us all.  Last fall, I attended a men’s retreat at Pilgrim Pines lead by Pastor Judy Peterson from North Park Seminary.  Judy and her preaching has had a tremendous impact in my life.  My thought going into that weekend was that I needed to find some private time with Judy to ask “what do you do when you know that Jesus loves you and the church doesn’t?” I never asked the question because in her message she gave me the answer.  The message was that Jesus loves me and wants care for me in a gentle and loving way.  I do not always have to be strong and just as Jesus told the disciples in the boat when they were afraid of sinking “do not be afraid.”  Judy said Jesus is telling us, “don’t focus on the storm, don’t look at the wind; don’t look at the waves… look at me and you won’t be afraid.  I wept as Judy prayed and I knew we were going to be okay.  This message was so simple and yet so profound.  Jesus is my strength; the church and all the politics and awkwardness are the storm and I can endure if I keep my eyes on Him.

We continue to attend and wait for God to show us if this remains our home.  So many dear friends in the congregation have stood with us and loved us, and for them I am eternally grateful.  Will I ever return to full “citizenship”?  The answer is unclear. In January 2014, I again met with the pastor and church chair.  I posed the question, “when my divorce is behind me, when and how will I be fully welcomed back?”  The reality is that I am a gay man.  “When the day comes that God blesses me with a new partner, will it be okay for me to worship with that man in my church?” The State of Connecticut says I can be married to that man if I choose, but the church does not.  “Would I be asked to take another break?” The response was that this is something that the church will need to work through before I will have my answer.

I know in the depths of my heart and soul that when God created me he did not make a mistake – I just did not understand or see the beauty in his creation for a very long time.  In my early years, I neither saw nor wanted to see it, and then later when I did see it, I fought so hard to live the life to which I thought I had been called.  Doing so nearly destroyed me.  I am a child of God and a follower of Jesus.  I am a sinner saved by grace that can now live life to its fullest and trust that God is pleased with me. The Covenant church has been my teacher, my pastor and my friend for 29 years, so I would like to stay and help the denomination evolve in their position on homosexuality, but I also know that I need to be somewhere that I can be my true self.  I believe in the value of the Covenant Church, and my prayer is that time and good communication will shed a positive light on the subject and lead to change.  I believe the people in leadership in my church are truly people who desire to do what is right and do not harbor ill feelings toward me but they are people with their own preconceived notions, fears and baggage.  The challenge will be for leadership within the local church and the denomination to discern when it is time to lead the people through this difficult discussion and to take a stand from a place of love. Then, the “care of the church” will look much more like love and acceptance rather than punishment and judgment. I would like to think I would be there when it happens but time will tell.  At the moment I am standing tall under the “care” of the church and resting in the knowledge that I am a child of God… fully loved and fully accepted.  This church struggle is only the storm, the wind and the waves, because when I lift up my head, I see Jesus and I am not afraid!