God asked Solomon a question that I wish God would ask me:
“What shall I give you?”
Up until recently, if I was asked this question by God, my answer would have been, “Free me from homosexuality,” “take away this deep desire for me to be with another man.” In my time spent in prayer, I was like the persistent widow constantly asking God for this. This plea has not “yet” been answered. I say “yet” because I still hope that some day I will wake up and find myself attracted to the “GIRL-next door” instead of the “GUY-next door.”
This desire has intensified over the past couple months as I’ve found out that two of my closest Christian friends are engaged to be married.
Is this a selfish wish? Is this a wish that is in line with the word of God?
I am a Christian man, born, raised, and worshiping in the Covenant Church, who also happens to be sexually attracted to other men. I don’t like calling myself “gay,” because in my town, people (both inside and outside the church) associate “gay” with words like “promiscuous,” “flamboyant,” and “queen.” I do not fit any of these categories.
In my few failed attempts to connect with other gay men, I hesitate at calling myself a “Christian” because people outside the church (both gay and straight) associate “Christian” with words like “judgmental,” “hypocritical,” and “self righteous.”
For me, trying to find my own identity is incredibly bewildering. Scripture and prayer has been an incredible source of comfort and guidance for me as I search for my identity. However, on the topic of homosexuality, it is lacking clarity. “Mom” reads it one way; “Dad” reads it another way. When getting an answer, I’d like to always go to the parent who will give me the answer that I want, but I’ve learned that neither “Mom” nor “Dad” is always right.
Since these answers are unclear to me, I feel like I am standing at an intersection on “Uncertainty Lane” not going anywhere in life. I am scared to pursue an intimate relationship for fear I will mess it up, and I am scared to share the Gospel with non-Christians for fear that I will be hypocritical or give people an inadequate image of Christianity.
In addition to the voices from the “Christian” community and the voices from the “gay” community influencing me, I also struggle with a very judgmental father and a mother who I love and do not want to disappoint. I know from experience how bad decisions can hurt those people that you love, and I fear that a wrong choice on my part could deeply wound the people who I love the most. Continue reading David: “Standing on Uncertainty Lane”
